Back In Paris

We took our time waking up this morning and had one last cup of coffee on our beautiful terrace in Reims. We had picked up some 'breakfast pastries (dessert)' the night before and had a quick bite before we hit the road. Here are some pictures. I'm going to let you guess which one Ryan doesn't know has been posted and see how long before he notices.(Ryan just looked over my shoulder and said: "Screw you. If the pose is good enough for Paris and Britney, it's good enough for me."

We are happy to be back in Paris after a painless hour drive from Reims. We stopped to fill the rental with diesel just outside of the city and happened to peer into the garbage can beside the pumps. The driver that had filled the tank before us decided to get rid of all of those pesky jumbo beer cans from out of his/her car. Suddenly, driving in France is all starting to make sense.
We dropped off the car and the place we got it (which we would definitely use again if you're ever here, FYI) and the man assessed the car for damage. He checked the rims, the windshield... thank GOD he didn't check Ryan's side of the car or we would have had to pay for a hole in the floor and all the handles that had been ripped off while I passed vehicles on the freeway. We got to our final hotel of the trip, Hotel du Moulin Petit and the previous guest had yet to check out so we dumped our luggage and rode the Metro to La Duree on the Champs-Élysées for lunch which just happens to be down the road from the Louis Vuitton flagship store where our rings are from.
As we said in the last post, we decided we needed to start eating vegetables. What better way to ease yourself back into health than a few carrots and beans mashed between puff pastry and whipped marscarpone cheese, topped with a candied hybiscus flower?
After lunch we headed down and window shopped. On the way we saw many people begging for money. We thought it would be funny if we had thrown a Euro into this ladies giant Louis Vuitton bag to see what their reaction would have been. I would have but we had already passed and it would have looked suspicious:
We made it back to the hotel. Like I mentioned above, it is called the Hotel du Moulin Petit. They weren't kidding about the 'petit' part. Actually, it's really great and the bathroom is separate which is lovely. You don't really get room to move in Paris so I have no complaints... massive tub, airconditioning, and a comfy bed.

Now we're off for a walk and then headed back to meet our friend Nigel at the hotel (a friend Jess met when he was working in Taiwan who now lives in Paris) to go out for dinner and drinks at Georges Restaurant which is located on top of the Centre Pompidou. Can't wait!

Running Out Of Steam

If you've read even only one of our posts, you know that we do not cut corners on vacation. We work our butts off during the year and then make a valiant effort to outdo those efforts in the three weeks alloted during summer for our vacation.

Having said that, there comes a point near the end of the trip where we start hitting 'the wall' and enough is enough. We know we've arrived at this point when we suddenly start salivating when we spot a plate of browing iceburg lettuce, or the act of downing a glass of champagne becomes a chore. While Ryan took a nap this afternoon, I flopped down on a patio recliner to read a book and I swear to god, the solid B-cups that I've amassed on my chest over the last couple of weeks didn't stop jiggling for at least 4 seconds and I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for 10. Ryan awoke from his nap and when offered a beverage, he starting telling me he was feeling guilty and overweight and that no, he would not like a glass of bubbly before dinner. He was also wondering whether or not we'd like to have Big Macs for dinner. Lord...
Today, we went to Epernay, France which is a quik 25 k.m. drive from Reims. In retrospect, we would probably have stayed here if we were to do this trip again. It is the 'capital' of the Champagne district and while it is a lot smaller than Reims, it has the same ammeneties and is closer to the bigger champagne producers, one of them being Moet Chandon who also bottle Dom Perignon. After touring two estates yesterday, we were almost able to give the tour ourselves and decided that this one would be our last. The difference between this estate and the others we've seen is that they cellar 100,000,000 bottles of champagne at one time. Amazing.

After the tour, we walked around the city for awhile and took a few photos. You'll notice that at this point of the trip, we are being sure to pull out our best Paris Hilton pose - one that will hide as many new rolls as possible. Notice my 'twist-to-the-side-pivot-shoulders-hide-full-frontal-stomach' pose and Ryan's 'hoist-arm-up-to-lessen-boobs' pose (above).

We're planning to take it easy tonight. Most of France is starting to shut down and I think we're going to be OK with that.
Tomorrow we return to Paris to enjoy our last two days. Luckily Paris is a quick one hour drive from here.

I Feel Like A Princess

I love this hotel, but it is by far the most stuffy and proper of any hotel we have stayed at. Jess, not so much, but he will get through the pain. We woke up this morning (me feeling 100% again, yeah!) and as we lay in bed in silence, Jess looked at me and asked what I was thinking about. I am sure he was hoping I would say something mushy in return but in reality what I was thinking was "I'll bet this is what Queen Elizabeth's bedroom looks like and I feel like a princess lying here." It can't have been a total disappointment because he got a good laugh out of it. We went down for breakfast which again, was a very formal affair complete with waiters in jackets, orange juice poured out of swan like decanters, carts of bread, additional pastry carts rolled around for you to make your choices from, and sterling silver coffee pots. I quite enjoyed all the fuss. Again, Jess not so much who would have been happier with an Egg McMuffin (who is pissed that I pictured the photo below but I feel it captures his mood at the time).
After breakfast it was off to tour two champagne houses: Pommery and Taittinger. To be honest, Reims is really quite a boring city and if you have been to Paris or any other French city, there is nothing really new for you to see. Yesterday we were thinking that we had made a mistake by booking 3 nights here but after today we are glad we did. Underground is a totally different story.
Pommery is right across the street from our hotel and we walked by it a few times yesterday thinking it was not super impressive compared to the Chateaux we had seen in other parts of France. It reminded us a bit of Excalibre in Las Vegas. What we didn't know was there are 18 km of tunnels 90 metres underneath the chateau where all the champagne is stored and aged.

(If you look at the picture above, you can see the sign showing that there are 91, 943 bottles in this one particular gallery. Between their two sites, Pommery stores around 23 million bottles at one time)

These champagne caves were built by the Romans when they harvested the chalk to construct buildings. The whole city of Reims has these caves underneath it.

They also bottle champagne in sizes appropriate for when you are dining at home alone (a reasonable 23 litres for a quick lunch).
And they provide these convenient stroller accessories for mothers on the go!
This has been the most amazing trip but the food has been less than amazing. Check out some of our dinner last night. We told the hotel we wanted something casual and they sent us to yet another French bistro where they were mixing up the steak tartar everywhere we turned. It was full of locals... never a good sign for eaters like us.

Jess' Caesar Salad had so many anchovies even he had trouble eating it, barf.
I wasn't feeling well and chewed the first bite of my steak for 5 minutes before I could swallow and decided I was done. I did what we call the 'Barbara Walters.' It is what skinny New York women do. They don't eat but rather, cut their food up and push it around the plate so it looks like they've eaten. For the record, this is only the second time in my life I have done 'The Barbara Walters' and my waistline will back me up on that. Time to turn over a new leaf when we return, but not just yet (Jess laughed out loud when he read this).
Today we found an amazing resaurant. Our goal was to find something NOT French and somewhat trashy. We went to the most touristy part of town and "Hola" Latino Cafe:
Look at these natchos! Straight out of a Doritos bag and we couldn't have been happier.
Burritos, delicous, and peas in the spanish rice... nice touch. 5 stars!!!
Tonight we are having dinner at Le Jardin Brasserie which is in the garden of our hotel and just opened. It is the hot table in town right now and we had to beg to get a reservation. We had a quick lunch there when we arrived at the hotel yesterday and we both liked it so thought keeping to a sure thing would be a good idea.

Reims, France: Champagne Country

We managed another 715 k.m. journey through France and we're more than happy it's the last long stretch we have left to drive on this trip. At this point, we've been witness to several accidents and are fortunate we haven't been part of one. You would think that we'd be used to driving here by now but it's impossible to accustom yourself to people hovering between lanes and leaving signal lights on at all times. Ryan gasps and slams on his imaginary brake pedal every time a car moves slightly towards ours which immediately sends me into a panic. Totally fair when you consider I don't see half of the speed demons moving in my direction. A particularly stress inducing moment came today when Ryan saw the woman next to us asleep at the wheel, not realizing that it was a British car and the driver was at the other side.
Our hotel, Chateau Les Crayeres, is brilliant. It seems a lot more old world than the others we have been at and more... what's the word... proper(?). Don't think I'll be walking through the lobby in my flip flops with my pool towel wrapped around my head in this one. After a quick look at the hotel menu on the way to the room, we decided that we will definitely not be eating here unless we can get a good price for our car when we get back. Thanks to Ryan's 'months-in-advance' planning, we managed to snag one of the best rooms in the place. Not something you'd want to live in, per se, but lovely to experience for a few days and the view from the terrace is spectacular.

Can't you just picture the interior decorator as a young, apologetic, super insecure woman bringing the owners through for the first time. "Weeelllll? What do you think? You like blue, right? I love blue! You don't think it's too busy, right? I just LOVED the wallpaper. Do you like the wallpaper?"

We ate some lunch and went for the half hour walk it takes to get down to the city centre after getting a map from the concierge. We were a bit worried as we walked. The city was uber quiet and we saw very few people and cars. I'm talking, really quiet:
We eventually found a really cute city square full of blocked streets, cafes, and shops. As luxurious as four days with having nothing to do is, I was a bit relieved that we found some life. I'm not sure another three days of reading would have had the same appeal. Like most major cities in Europe, there is a famous cathedral and we went to check it out.
Not the best self-portrait but I was in no mood for capturing the perfect moment. You see, we have officially started the part of the trip where we have to start 'smell testing' our clothes. It has been hovering around 30 degrees celsius (86 F) for the bulk of our trip and the humidity has been quite high. I don't need to tell you what this weather, combined with a 3 hour walk, does to the netherregions of one's body. After looking at the hotel laundry sheet and having my eyes pop out of my head as I saw 'Men's Shirt - 15 Euro ($23)' printed in a lovely, scripted font, I thought I might try going commando instead of getting some clothes laundered. Right... so combine that heat, humidity, and walk with some really rough inseams. Not a pretty picture. It was right about at this point that I was trying to figure out whether to hike my shorts to my tits to make sure that my dewy thighs don't rub together anymore, or just take the fastest route home. I tried out every available option on the way.

We have a reservation for dinner tonight back at a little Bistro in the city centre but Ryan is konked out on the bed and not feeling very well. Part of me thinks that I might be using our taxi to do a McDonald's run. If things take a turn for the worse, not to worry. I found a hospital on the way back to our hotel that he will have no problems checking into.

No Plans

After our hellish drive yesterday, we decided that our last day in Provence would include no plans. As in, ZERO, as there is nothing else to do here but drive somewhere else. For those of you that know Ryan and/or have been following this blog for more than two years, you'll realize how much the boy has chilled out. There was a time (as his mother and sister can attest, having travelled with us overseas) that every minute of everyday on a vacation was accounted for and we were on the go constantly. I was looking forward to this day and was more than happy it had arrived but I started to worry at about 9:00 a.m., when we had been up for several hours reading, and he started deep breathing. Over the last five years, I have become attuned to this sound, much like the growl of a lion or hiss off a goose. The animal is about to freak out. In the case of the Ryanus Kaltious, it's to alert other parties that he needs to be entertained. I'm more than happy to report that it's close to 5:00 p.m. and so far so good, thanks in part to the litre of vodka we bought at Galleries Lafayette in Nice.

Now, I've got to give Ryan some credit. I am more than happy to read a book from the time I get up until I go to bed. History has taught me that Ryan, on the other hand, needs a hell of a lot more entertainment. Currently, the boy is edgy and ready to move on. The first blow came at dinner last night. After reading a challenging menu, he decided that he would start his meal with a Fois Gras Terrine. He had eaten the terrine before and found it... marginally acceptable... in Canada... As far as he was concerned, it was the hippest thing on the menu. Surely there would be enough herbs and spices mixed throughout that the wine would mask any of the nastiness long enough to concentrate on the main course. Unfortunately, this didn't happen. Here's a picture of the dish after he was finished with it, complete with a bright yellow piece of duck fat he had scrapped off looking for something edible:
I was hearing the same sounds I normally do when he shoves the electric toothbrush too far back in his throat. A gagging that produces an unsightly splatter. (Ryan here-the taste wouldn't go away, 1/2 hour later I could still taste it, $35 for this!!) I finished my prawns and offered him some. The duck liver was bad enough to convince him that he was suddenly, totally into seafood. Unfortunately for him, I was oblivious to his situation and had snarfed enough of my meal before I had looked up, wiped my chin, and offered him some.

The next blow came after dinner as we crawled into bed. There was a scorpion on our wall. Now, don't get me wrong. It might bother me, too... but it would need to be larger than a pencil eraser to rattle me and the book I was reading was a sufficient tool to destroy the thing (F-you PETA if you think we're sleeping in a room with scorpions). At breakfast the next morning, I noticed they were crawling all over the place. At the risk of looking like queens, we switched tables in the empty bistro to a vacant table and breathed a sigh of relief.
Once breakfast was over, we retired to our terrace. For the first time in a long time we used our good camera and tripod to capture the moment. We both couldn't have been happier. I was finishing a book recommended by one of my favourite people and Ryan, soon after this photo was taken, was reading a book recommended by another favourite person, giggling hysterically at the authour (you'll notice I said after this picture was taken... when I convinced him to read something more than Vogue).
We spent the rest of the day dining on half-assed, overpriced Croque Monsuier (I'll get in trouble for describing it this way because the side of mayonnaise convinced Ryan it was TO DIE FOR)... and lounging at the pool, where I actually showed some of my bits.
We also spent the day reading. I thought I'd give my two cents on the books I've read so far. All by recommendation, some are worth the read and some are not. Here we go:

• A Year In Provence by Peter Mayle: It's a quick read but not something I'd recommend unless you're willing sift over multiple pages describing a black truffle. It's saving grace, for me, was the fact that I am here. If not, look for something else.
• Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris: Hilarious. Having said that, I'm guessing a portion of the humour comes from the fact we're gay and can relate. Regardless, he takes a humorous slant on everything and we loved it.
• Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl: Amazing if you love food and/or have ever eaten in New York City. It's equally as entertaining if you dress in drag or like wearing wigs.
• The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls: I loved this book. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, whatever that may look like, you'll appreciate this book (is there such thing as a functional family?). Honest and original. I would read it again if I didn't have so many more on the list.
• Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen: Honestly, it was mildly entertaining... but more than that, it pissed me off. I could have written better. Not a total waste of time but supremely frustrating for someone that thinks that he could make a living doing the same thing... if I do say so myself. Time to get typing.
  

Ryan has also been reading and would also like to give a review... of, um... what he's read... so far... on our trip... (*cough, cough*)...

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• A Year In Provence by Peter Mayle -Thanks for the recommendation Dalyn. It seemed like an appropriate book given our itinerary but my god, this book was like watching a film rather than a movie - a Merchant/Ivory film, too many words, too much character development. I made it to page 38 (in 3 days) before I had to move on.
• Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher - I saw her on The Today show promoting this book, She is a total nut ball and I needed to have the book. Read one sentence, didn't really grab me....had to move on.
• My Booky Wook by Russell Brand - I am in love with Russel Brand and I record every appearance he make on TV. I also love his DVDs. This book was written for the UK market and has tonnes of asterisks' explaining every British reference. Read to page 23... had to move on.
• Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris - Now this book is funny. I read to page 77 in one day and laughed like a crazy person by the pool this afternoon. Thankfully, I was laughing in English and the people around me didn't know what was going on.

Tomorrow we leave for Reims, France . It's the home of Champagne and only 717 k.m. away. Good thing, or I might be super bitchy:

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Climbing Mount Ventoux

Today started like every day in Provence, waking up whenever we happened to. In my case it was at 6:30 a.m. and in Jess' case, 8:00 a.m. when I started jumping on the bed like a child to wake him get up. While we slowly ate another long, relaxing breakfast we tried to decide what to do with the rest of our day. The pace of life here is rather relaxed which was the intention of this part of the trip. It doesn't make for very exciting blog postings... great for us, bad for you.

Today we decided to tackled Mount Ventoux. Mount Ventoux was the second to last leg to the Tour de France and occurred the day we arrived here. We hopped in the car (yup, car, don't think we would try cycle this thing) and headed out. We decided to take the scenic route via the village of Sault which is know for the lavender fields that surround it. We are past the peak of the season but as we decended into the valley there were huge fields of purple and you could smell it in the air (again, photos don't do this place justice).

From Saulte we headed towards Mount Ventoux.
The road was a complete nightmare. Narrow, twisting roads, littered with approaching cars in the centre of the road, and what seemed like thousands of cyclists retracing the route of the Tour de France. The road was incredibly steep and every cyclist we passed looked ready to throw up. This was a 26 k.m. climb and I have no idea why anyone would want to do such a thing. Driving it was hard enough. As I gasped at every turn and every approaching car, I listened to Jess curse a blue streak as he whiteknuckled his way to the top.

Of course, everybody thought they were Lance Armstrong, sending their family up in advance to take pictures as they reached the summit. People were holding their bikes above their heads having photos taken. It was ccomplete madness. We, on the other hand, bought 2 bags of the most delicious cookies and macaroons from a vendor there selling to bikers that wanted to replenish their energy and got back in the car, eating them on the way down the mountain. Hey, we earned it... that was a stressful drive (for Jess... and me... in a supporting role).

We relied on our trusty GPS to get us back to the hotel but the damn thing doesn't know the difference between a highway and a pony trail.


Back at the hotel we had lunch were I opted for the BURGER??!???!!

So far, we've finished the day with more lounging in 'our' cabana by the pool. Now, I'm thinking it's time for another bath.